Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
