i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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