where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Can you bring me the toilet please
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
