someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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