Please, let me fuck your mom
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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