i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
