Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
