why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The air was thick with penises
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
