In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
