just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
