Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
