Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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