Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
