I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
