It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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