Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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