can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Do vagina's smell?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
