I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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