Tell her she can't have a vagina
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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