apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Terrible idea I love it
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
