so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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