That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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