Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
