This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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