My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Randomize
