i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
