I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
