what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
