shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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