There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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