She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
