he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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