i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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