I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
