At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
