Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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