Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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