So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
