U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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