even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
