my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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