turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
