If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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