Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
