rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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