but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
