I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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