Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
