I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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