She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize