thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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