After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
