His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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