New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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