Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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