i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
