So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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