I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
