when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
