I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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