Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
