Pregnant stripper...not hot.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
